It’s been a couple of rough months around here. Probably the worst few months of my life – and that’s saying something. Just like with my blood clots, maybe me opening up about it will help someone else. Maybe it’ll just help me. But now that I’m on the road to breaking even, let’s talk about my absence, shall we?
By now you’ve read about my pulmonary embolism incident back in November (if not, seriously – go read up, I’ll wait). When I first wrote about it, I called it “the day everything changed.”
I didn’t realize how true that was.
From Mrs. Back to Miss
While I was on the long road to recovery, my marriage fell apart. We ended up separating in April and I’m telling myself that it was the best choice for both of us. We were on different paths with different needs, and sometimes shit happens and things don’t go the way you planned. The hardest part was losing my best friend. But I also believe there’s a better match out there for each of us.
What Do I Call Him Now?
After we separated, I got a text from my soon-to-be-ex that his father had fallen ill & he was flying out to see him. It was a fast moving form of Leukemia.
There was never any hate between me & my in-laws. I still love them all. So this diagnosis hurt really bad. I was kinda-sorta no longer part of the family and I was having trouble dealing with that.
I didn’t feel helpless when I was in the hospital. I didn’t feel helpless when I was back on my own for the first time in six years. Leukemia made me feel completely helpless, and combined with the breakup of my marriage, I couldn’t deal with things. I fell back into my familiar patterns that sometimes arise when I’m facing a major emotional trauma – I went numb and retreated back into my own world for a couple weeks (hey, better than the year-long mental vacation I took after losing my grandmother).
About That Sunday Night Rant
That one was impressive, wasn’t it? That was the night I was forced out of my catatonic state. My world was crumbling, but then came the news that was the slap in the face I needed to make me realize that the crap I was going through – it was just crap. Other things are more important.
Over Memorial Day weekend, one of my cousins was in a bad fire. He was burned over 60% of his body with second and third degree burns and was flown to the burn unit. I was ready to drop everything and go to him, even though I had only seen him once in the past 6+ years. Because he needed someone there and my shit didn’t matter anymore. Only he did.
It took two weeks for me to be cleared to visit Kris in the burn isolation unit (hooray family politics). I made the hour drive to the hospital as soon as I got word I could see him.
The fire wasn’t his fault, but thanks to his history, the area we’re from is determined to blame him. We all make mistakes, but there are things some people just won’t forget, no matter the amends or progress you’ve made. Let’s just say I was fueled by caffeine and rage for those first few weeks.
There’s a few reasons I don’t visit home much anymore. One of the biggest is the people that still live there.
The first night I was at the hospital, he was (thankfully) pretty out of it. It wasn’t my first time at the burn unit (my family takes “flammable” to a whole new level), but that first visit is always jarring. His arms and chest were covered in bandages, his fingers were immobile, there were angry red welts on his face, tubes were everywhere, beeping machines, ventilator… It was a lot to take in.
Then he came to for a few minutes. When saw me, he started making a fuss, trying to tell me what happened. All I could do was hold his hand and tell him that I knew what happened and that I was so proud of him for his actions. I think every muscle in his body relaxed.
Some of you know the underlying drama on that side of the family. For those that don’t, I’ll spare you the story – let’s just say that things fell apart there back in 2011. That’s why I didn’t see Kris for years (along with other reasons).
He might remember my first visit, he might not. But it was important to me to be there. Someone needed to do right by him for once, and I was able to do it.
On Passing
I’ve been making the two hour round trip to see Kris 3-4 times a week since I was added to the visitor list. Seeing his improvements helped snap me out of my funk, enough to take a night off and have dinner and see a Phillies game with my Philly-area coworkers. The next blow came on my drive into the office.
My almost-former-father in law passed away on June 2nd. And that’s a pain I’ll live with for the rest of my life. That I couldn’t be there because circumstances were what they were. I said goodbye in my own way, but it still wasn’t the same. And I’ll learn to live with that.
The Next Chapter
So what’s next? I’m slowly getting the house in shape to go on the market – now that I’m finally starting to feel like I’m breaking even. Time to move on. I’ll be doing some serious praying to St. Joseph that the house sells quickly – I’ll be staying at my parents’ new house in Clearwater until it sells (I can cover a mortgage or a rent payment on my salary – not both).
I almost cried when I visited Kris this last week – he’s come so far. He should be moving to a rehab hospital soon. I hope what we built the past couple weeks remains. If it doesn’t, I know I did all I could. He and I have been through a lot together – really excellent and really pits-of-hell bad. But I’ll always love him.
And I have a work summit coming up next month. I know I’m lucky when it comes to coworkers – I genuinely care about everyone I work with (some more than others, but you’ll have that). It’s always a good time when you get a group of advertising folks together.
My health is starting to get back on track so I’m hoping to get back into some form of exercise once my trips to the burn unit end (Kris’s rehab hospital will be closer to home) and I have more time to actually focus on me again.
I’m looking into new pursuits as well. Stuff that could help with my current job, some that could help with freelance work. Time for something new. Thinking about teaching myself coding. Analytics training is ongoing because, I swear, I get interesting questions from clients (keep in mind I run their search engine campaigns – I don’t run their websites).
People keep telling me that after all this, I have some seriously excellent karma coming my way. I hope they’re right. I’ll greet her with open arms.
Yeah, Yeah – Tl;dr
My life since November: pulmonary embolism & recovery, move to apartment with husband, marriage breaks up, move back to house solo, father-in-law develops Leukemia, lots of time in the burn unit, lost father-in-law, hitting the reset button.
Let’s end things on a high note.
– e
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